Am I not understanding my BF, or he is being overly sensitive?

So, backstory : My bfs dad died right before we got together back in the day (highschool sweet hearts). 3 yrs later, we reconnected, both single. I was talking to another guy at the time, nothing official/serious, he took HUGE offense to this. He says he now has major trust issues but still wants to be with me, even though he admits he wasnt ready for a relationship to begin with after we reconnected.

On to my real point now that you have some backstory.

Me and him have been dating 11 months. We seem to argue a lot over.. Very small things. He feels as though he needs to ask my permission for pretty much everything, and feels that he needs to put my needs over his in almost everything situation.

Now, Ive changed since we last dated. I battled some demons/health issues, and its made me into a very "go with the flow" person. So unless someone causes me trauma or has a personal attack towards me, I get over stuff fast.

We literally had an argument over him asking me if he can play videogames. I was being sarcastic and joking when I told him no, but he took it seriously, teared up, and kept apologizing. I told him exactly this: "We had a misunderstanding, that required communication. You didn't commit an offense that required an apology."

He STILL was angry. He kept telling me I didnt understand. I told him I did, I understood where he was coming from, but he didnt need to worry about my comfort over small things like that. He was still mad. Was I really not understanding?

Update:

Also, this happened over he course of two hours. I never raised my voice, I held his hand, rubbed his back, and spoke in a soft voice.

After we had the conversation, we laid down with each other for an hour before I noticed his body language was still angry and I asked if he was okay. He explained he wasn't, which continued our conversation from before. I shouldn't really say it was an "argument" just misunderstanding.

4 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    He needs some professional help. was he like this before his dad died? I may be wrong, but i think the death effected him in a bad way. He needs someone to help him deal with it all. Be nice to him, he is fragile.

  • Teal
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Your boyfriend is overly sensitive, and he has learned to weaponize it against you. He feigns fragility and falls apart over nothing so you feel like you need to soothe and appease him. You can never challenge him without hurting his feelings or risking a tantrum. Really you end up being the one to put his feelings first and let him have his own way. You are his mommy, not his girlfriend. Ask yourself if that's really what you want. After almost a year, it's safe to assume that this is who he is and this is as good as it gets.

  • 1 month ago

    You are not understanding your boyfriend.  More importantly,  the two of your aren't compatible.  You want a guy who intuitively knows what you want and also lives his life.  You're feeling pressured to make decisions for him that you don't feel you want to make.

    There are millions of women who wish their boyfriend would ask if they could play video games, but if you get annoyed because he isn't acting like a man who knows his mind pr has a clue  how to behave, then you shouldn't date him.

    On his part, he's struggling to figure out how to behave. He's afraid of losing a loved one again.  Maybe it's because his father died, maybe it something else.  Doesn't matter.  What does matter is that he needs to develop the self-confidence to be himself. It's great to put the needs of your loved one ahead of your own needs, but not to the point that you can't select breakfast or do things you want or need to do. 

    If you two want to make a go of this, agree to get counseling as a couple and individually.  If you aren't willing to invest in that, then realize you are well suited for a long-term relationship, end it, grieve the loss, and move on.

  • Jerry
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    I was sympathetic to you right up through ""We had a misunderstanding, that required communication." But then when you added ""You didn't commit an offense that required an apology" my thought way. "Why couldn't she hush up after the first sentence? Why did she have to add the commentary?" 

    It takes 2 to have a fight but only one to keep the fight from happening. If both of you exert yourselves to recognize "we're starting to get excited and maybe headed for a fight here" and take action to cool things off. 

    "Time out! Let's calm down a little before we say more. Let's not raise our voices. Let's not respond to this anger, but with ideas for how to avoid fighting about this. Or maybe just let it go and stop talking about it." 

    If he insists on "No! I don't want to calm down!" then you leave them alone, walk away, and GO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Harboring resentment, brooding about how unfair the other is, nurturing your sense of injury -- NO FAIR. Don't expect him to take his anger under control if you're not setting a good example. 

    If you're really determined to undermine this mutual habit of drama and scenes, then demonstrate that when you say "We aren't going to have this fight; I'm not going to address this anger" you really mean it and won't be baited. 

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