Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsOther - Family & Relationships · 8 months ago

Would there be a solution?

I am in a LDR with my bf of 7 months (NY - VA). We've been having talks of eventually living together, getting married and starting a family. Problem is my mom doesn't want me to move while his mom is pressuring me to move, as well as pressuring her son to try harder in convincing me. I am able to see myself living in VA, get out of the craziness in NY. We are both at least 30, and I know we are grown adults, we should be making decisions for ourselves. But that doesn't mean we neglect our parent's feelings and opinions. From my mom's POV, she's getting older and she just want her kids close by. Even if not living in the same house, but at least in the same state/area. It also goes for his parents, who's also in NY. My bf's POV is he has a really stable, well paid job. He loves what he does and was just recently promoted. If he moves back to NY, he would be taking a pay cut, and there are no open position in NY for what he's doing now in VA. Not that is all about the money, but he wants to be able to be well prepared and be able to support his own future family. So I'm now stuck in between. I do see it from both side. Is not that my mom wants to ruin my happiness and tie me down to stay with her, or that my bf doesn't understand my mom's thinking. He has thought of his own parents too. But currently, things are going well for him in VA. He also said he would eventually move back to NY once his parents get old and needs him.

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  • Kaz
    Lv 6
    8 months ago
    Favourite answer

    If you care about this guy and think there's a future with him - GO FOR IT. You can't live your life for your parent(s). The time when your parents MAY need a caregiver should be far in the future, and who knows if THEY will still be living in NY then - they may decide to retire in another state. In any event, you'd just be a plane or car ride away from a visit to your parent(s). Live YOUR life, be happy.

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    • May8 months agoReport

      If only my mom is more open minded with this idea. I even reassured her we'll still see each other. We've been to VA, and she doesn't like how everything involves driving, even simple grocery shopping. She doesn't drive so is even harder. I just have to hope for the best in the outcome. Thanks.

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  • Archer
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    You seem to give them much control of the decision which should be made by the two of you. Stop allowing 'them' to call the shots.

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  • Alan H
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    Have the two of you actually met?

    You are the ones who need to make the decision.

    The most important relationship is husband and wife; more than siblings, parents, children.

    If either one of you can travel to meet the other, it is no further to meet your respective parents.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    As someone who has parents and in-laws on opposite sides of the planet I can only look at your situation think how fortunate you and this guy are that your families live only mere states away. In most cases it's unreasonable for parents to think their adult children are going to live in the same city for life. So wait to see if this relationship turns into anything permanent and then know that wherever you and this guy end up one or both of you is going to have to log a few frequent flyer miles to manage your aging parents.

    • May8 months agoReport

      I've reassured my mom that I'm not abandoning her and that I will still come back to see her, but she just doesn't like it. I just wish she can be more open minded with this idea instead of thinking so negative. If he was also in NY, my mom would be more ok with the idea of me moving in with him.

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  • 8 months ago

    Your relationship is way too young. You should go spend a month in VA to see what it's like and to spend some quality time with your bf. sounds like you really love him. just do temporary trips and then if you guys date for a few years and you really truly love this guy your parents thoughts won't matter to you. and your bf can save up some money so that he doesn't have to decide based on how much money he's making

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    • May8 months agoReport

      My bf wants me to move down there within a year. He wants to see if we would truly be able to live together and start our family. I think my mom would be more ok with the idea of us living together away from her if it wasn't in another state.

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  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    Why has my Amazon Fire started bleeping?

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  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    "But that doesn't mean we neglect our parent's feelings and opinions." There are two people in a relationship/marriage and your mom and his mom are not either of them. You need to learn WHICH decisions moms get to weigh in on and which ones they don't.

    There are times you and your partner will make a decision without any input from anyone and then you just announce your decision. Your relationship is not a family democracy, and if you treat it like one, your relationship is likely to fail. Appropriate boundaries with extended family is very, very important. It's concerning to me that your bf won't tell his mom to butt-out. What's it going to be like when she wants a say in how the kids are raised?

    There are lots of potential solutions here about when/where to move (or not). But the point is that the decision is yours, not your mom's and not his mom's. You already know their opinions so tell them the subject is now off-limits and you will make an announcement if/when there is anything to announce.

    You're 30 years old, not 17. Part of adulthood is making the best decision you can even if mummy gets mad or sad or throws a tantrum. It's no longer her job to cater to your self-esteem and it's no longer your job to do what she says. Fun times.

    ETA: There is an easier way but you refuse to do it that way. And by the way, if making a decision that your mom disagrees with somehow ruins your relationship, it's not a very good relationship. It's a controlling and manipulative one. If your relationship is healthy, there is absolutely ZERO reason that your mom needs to be happy about all your decisions.

    I do not mean this to be snarky, but you really do not sound like you're mature enough to be in your 30s, nor do you sound mature enough for a commitment like marriage.

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    • May8 months agoReport

      I understand what you're saying. But all i'm saying is I just want to show respect for my mom. Not saying I will listen and do everything she wants me to. And yea I might not be ready for a marriage commitment, but who really is until the time comes. Even then, some things you just go with the flow.

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